Eric Northman's Night Off
by Slovesemmett
Summary: What does a 1000 year old vampire do with a night off? An attempt at funny fluff. Rated M for language and possibly future lemons.


**Eric Northman's Night Off**

**What does a 1000 vampire do on his rare nights off? I intend this to be cannonish – but it may be more of a show/book mix, because there are certain things I enjoy about each. Slightly OOC. Rated M for language and potential lemons (we'll see if I can get up the courage to write any lemony goodness).**

**This is my first SVM/TB fic, and I just felt inspired by all of the great stuff I've read lately where Eric actually has fun. So thanks to Ericizmine, makesmyheadspin, Honeypop, and NumberedWords for writing an Eric that has some fun.

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I entered my office to find Pam sitting behind my desk. She must have been extremely focused on whatever she was doing, because she didn't sense me coming.

"Eric, what are you doing here?" she asked nervously.

"Well Pamela, it's my office, why wouldn't I be here?" I asked in return as I started to approach her. "A better question is what are _you_ doing here?"

"Uh, paperwork, for the bar of course. Someone has to do the scheduling and oversee the payroll," she replied. She was lying and I knew it. She closed the browser windows as she spoke, not leaving me enough time to see for myself what she was doing.

"Yes, that's why we have Bruce. Try again."

"Fine, you caught me, I'm setting up my eHarmony profile," she deadpanned.

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Looking for someone to spend the rest of your undead life with?"

"A relationship with a human could be fun, _you_ seem to enjoy it." She smirked at me, knowing just how much I _love_ being teased about my relationship with Sookie. I glared back at her.

"Now how about the truth this time. Don't make me compel you," I threatened. It was an empty threat, I knew my child would never take any action that would hurt me.

"Aw come on Eric, can't a girl have her secrets?"

"Will I, or Sookie, be injured or humiliated?" I asked, knowing that Pam wouldn't do either of those things to herself, and really I didn't care what she did to anyone else. She shook her head no. "Then fine, keep your secret. But can I have office back?" She looked at me and pouted. "Puppy dog eyes Pam, really?"

"Please?"

"I am far to indulgent with you," I said with a sigh.

"You love me and you know it!" she quipped.

"Where am I supposed to work then?"

"Your throne?" she suggested. "Go enthrall the vermin."

"I don't want to," I replied like a petulant child.

"Fuck Eric, it's your bar, if you don't want to, don't do it. But don't pout. You'd think after a thousand years you'd outgrow pouting."

"Says the woman who just got her way by using puppy dog eyes."

Pam smirked. "Go see Sookie."

"She's working and I don't want to hang out at the shifter's bar all night. It smells, and I don't feel like being stared at when I can't do something about it. At least here I can kick the vermin."

"You're whinin' Eric. Just take the night off then." Pam was becoming exasperated. I could tell she just wanted me to leave her alone so she could get back to her mystery project. This of course made me want to bother her all the more.

"What would I do with my night off?"

"Go bowling, watch a movie, read book, go shopping, scare teenagers," she listed. "At your age certainly you have some experience in entertaining yourself."

"Fine. You're in charge here then," I told her.

"Great," she said sarcastically.

"Just remember, my bar is more important than your secret project."

I left my office and was quickly heading towards the employee door to get back in my car when one of the new waitresses approached me.

"Master, we have a problem," she started. Always with the problems, why did no one ever approach me with 'Master we have a solution'? "Thalia is…"

I cut her off with instructions, "I'm not really here. You must take this problem to Pam." That'll teach Pam to kick me out of my own office! Whatever problem Thalia was causing was likely to be a large one. The waitress looked confused, but turned around and headed towards my office nonetheless. I increased my speed and made my way to my car before I could be interrupted again.

As I pulled onto the highway, I wondered what I should do with my night off. All of Pam's suggestions were crap, except maybe scaring teenagers. I was driving towards Bon Temps with an idea finally struck me.

* * *

An hour later, after some serious preparations, I pulled into the parking lot at Merlotte's. I climbed out of my rented sedan, and ambled into the bar. As the door closed behind me, everyone turned to look, then immediately almost all of them went back to whatever they were doing before. The shifter was behind the bar, and gave me a lingering look, shaking his head. I shrugged my shoulders as one of the waitresses approached.

"You want a table or you wanna sit at the bar?" she asked.

"Dude, a table by the window would be, like, great, man," I replied, knowing this would assure that I was seated in Sookie's section.

"Right this way."

As I followed her towards the table I saw Sookie come out with a tray full of food. "Hey Hot Stuff," I drawled, slapping her ass as she walked by. She spun around to glare at me, and I could feel her lecture coming, all I could do was wink at her. She gave me a confused look, and I shrugged again, only slightly so she would know that I would explain later.

"Your server will be right with you," the waitress said as I slid into the booth, and then she leaned in closer to me, "She's the one you just slapped. I'd be careful, she's dating a vampire. But if you do want some entertainment tonight…"

"Righteous," I replied. One fooled.

I perused the menu after the waitress left, trying to figure out what to tell Sookie.

"What can I get for you tonight?" she asked loudly when she finally approached.

"Uhm…" I hesitated.

"Eric, what are you doin' here?" she hissed in a voice so low that only I could hear it.

"Can I get the chicken strips please?" I finally decided.

"Sure?" she returned. "And to drink?"

"A Bloody Mary," I said, giving her a conspiratory wink. "No ice." She turned to walk away, and I called after her "Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?" I could see her trying not to lose it, especially when a large portion of the other patrons where in hysterics. As soon as she passed the bar I saw the shifter following close behind her.

"What the fuck is going on here, Sook?" I heard him ask her.

"I have no idea," she told him in return.

"That's Eric right?"

"Yep."

"But the fake tan, the shaggy brown hair, and the cargo shorts… what's the deal?"

"No clue. Could you make him a blood in a Bloody Mary glass? O positive," she instructed. I smiled at the knowledge that Sookie finally trusted me enough to just go with it.

"Sure Sook. But if he's here to cause trouble…" he trailed off.

"If I find out what's goin' on I'll let ya know."

A few minutes later Sam appeared with my drink. "Here's your drink Sir," he said cautiously putting it in front of me. "Northman, what the hell are you doing?" he asked under his breath.

"Thanks man, the name's Leif," I replied, holding out my hand to shake his. He shook my hand and looked startled for a moment.

"Nice to meet you Leif." Then under his breath, "How the hell is your hand warm?"

I just looked at him. Surprised another one! "I'm gonna go shoot some pool. You think you could let my waitress know that? Man she is a hottie!" Sam glared at me.

"Sookie's crazy man…" one of the local's started.

"Crazy hot!" I exclaimed.

"No man, she's just crazy. She's fucking a dead guy!" one of drunks slurred.

"A sweet thang like that? No way!"

"Way."

"Fifty bucks says I can get her to leave with me," I say.

"You're on Surfer boy. In fact, how about another bet. Fifty bucks says one of her vamps comes in and kicks your ass!"

"So, lemme get this straight, I win a hundred bucks if she leaves with me, and no vampires come in and kick my ass?" I repeated. As if another vampire could kick _my_ ass.

"Yah," he said with a smirk. Oh this was going to be easy money.

"I want in on that action!" another guy shouted.

"Me too!" added a third. Others started clamoring to be on the action as well.

"Woah man, hold up. I only got so much money to cover people!" I objected in faux protest.

"How many * hic * can you cover?" one of the girls asked.

I patted my pockets down, pretending to try to find my money, and then pulled out a wrinkly wad of bills. "Uh… five. I can cover five."

The group of drunks huddled together trying to determine which five would take up the challenge.

"Okay California, here's how it's gonna go," the group appointed leader started, "the five of us," he pointed to himself and four other drunk rednecks, "are gonna be the ones in on the challenge."

"Who's gonna hold the money?" I asked.

They looked at each other, confused, then looked back at me. "Sam!" one of them finally shouted. I turned to find Sam chuckling behind the bar.

"Yeah?" he called.

"We got ourselves a bet goin' on with Mr. California here. You gotta hold the money! 'parently he don't trust us."

"Sure," he replied as he shook his head. He came out from behind the bar and over to where the pool tables were and counted all the money. My slightly battered hundred dollar bills and a whole mess of small change from my challengers.

"Alright then, who's gonna keep me company while I work my charms on the hottie?" I asked with a grin.

All five of my challengers volunteered, and began lining up quarters on the edge of the pool table to take on the winner.

"Here's your food," Sookie said as she dropped my chicken fingers on a small hightop near the pool tables.

"Thanks Hot Stuff. You think you could bring my buddies here a pitcher of beer?" I asked.

"The name's not Hot Stuff," she replied coolly. I smiled at her and she smiled back, she knew exactly what was going on and I could tell she was planning to make things… difficult. She turned and walked away.

"Hey Hot Stuff!" I called after her. She faced me again and I crooked my finger at her to beckon her back.

"Yes?" she said irritably when got to my side.

"Nothin'. I just wanted to watch you walk away again." The drunks giggled and Sookie rolled her eyes. But this time when she walked away, she put a little extra sway in her step. I watched her until she rounded the corner and one of the drunks got my attention.

"Yo California, it's your break!"

"The name's Leif," I told him.

"Leaf! You're more like a damn tree!" one of the drunks, I named him 'Smelly' in my head, replied.

I gritted my teeth and smiled. Maybe this was a bad idea. I just might end up killing one of these fuckers before the night was through.

I purposefully broke weak, leaving the cluster mostly intact. My challengers all began laughing, and I chuckled too, not wanting them to think I could not take a joke, after all, in the end, it would be on them.

"You wanna place a friendly wager on the outcome of this game?" Smelly asked.

"Like, what'd ya have in mind?"

"Buck a ball?" he suggested with a grin.

"No can do. Unless you wanna pay my bar bill my cash is all tied up in our other wager."

"How about," he paused and looked around for a sec, "Hey Sam! You still got that karaoke machine in the back of the bar?"

"Yeah, why?" Sam called back.

"How about loser has to sing for the bar?"

I winced for show. The only way I would lose this bet was if I threw it. "Does slop count? And does the loser get to pick their own song?"

"Sure Tree, slop counts, and you can pick your own song," he replied with the confidence that only a drunk has.

"Excellent! You're on." I resisted the urge to tent my fingers together.

"Sam, set up the karaoke machine! Tree over here's gonna be singin' us a song!"

The shifter smiled, and went to retrieve the machine from somewhere in the back, and a few moments later he was carrying it by me to set it up in the corner. "You owe me for this Northman," he whispered as he walked by. "I'm not sure what the hell you're doing, but as soon as I stop bein' entertained by it, the game is over."

I gave him a tiny nod, knowing that if this were happening at my bar, I would not be at all indulgent of the behavior. "You're up," I called to my challenger.

He sauntered over to the table to improve my break, and managed to get two balls in the pockets. He added a third on his next turn, then missed, and it was my turn again. I took my next shot, making it look like I was aiming for one ball, while putting another in the pocket, then missing the follow up shot. Smelly put another ball in, and it took a lot for me not to put all of my balls in the pockets in quick succession. Losing was not something I did. 1000-year-old badass Viking vampire. What part of that says loser? Precisely, NO part of that says loser. However, if I wanted to keep my entertainment for the remainder of the night, I may have to throw a game or two.

As Smelly took his next shot, Sookie came back with the pitcher of beer, and I had to start my wooing. "So Hot Stuff, my friends here tell me you like to sleep with dead guys. Do you like to bite? You can bite me," I offered, leering at her. "Wouldn't you rather sleep with someone warm?" I added as I reached out and grabbed her arm.

She gasped as she looked down at where my warm hand was touching her arm. "Actually, I am _always hot_, so I prefer the coolness my boyfriend has to offer. Not that it's any of your business," she replied.

"Come on… Sweet Cheeks," man it was hard to think of endearments that weren't babe, and I would never use that stupid Were Tiger's term, "don't you wanna bite me?"

"You couldn't handle it, Stud," she said in a sultry voice. The one she knew went straight to my dick. Then she winked at me. I had to focus to keep my fangs from dropping.

"You're up Tree! And you are going down in flames!" One of the guys pulled my attentions away from Sookie.

"Can I get another Bloody Mary?" I asked as she walked away.

"Sure thing, Stud," she replied. Stud. Tree. What is the deal with all of these nicknames referring to wood?

I managed to fend off my challenger by some shots that looked poor but ended up blocking his access to the 8-ball, and in the end I barely won, letting him think it was sheer luck and thus ensuring a rematch.

"Time to sing Buddy," I cajoled as I pulled the balls out of the pockets to re-rack them.

Smelly grumbled under his breath as he staggered toward the karaoke machine, and the rest of the bar cheered him on. "Go Jimbo! Rock n' Roll!"

The music was queued up, and as soon as it started playing I rolled my eyes.

"_When you came in the air went out… And every shadow filled up with doubt. I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through… I wanna do bad things to you…" _The drunken masses hollered and sang along.

"You just had to beat him didn't ya?" Sookie said when she delivered my next drink. "You know every single person that you beat for the rest of the night will sing this song?"

"How was I to know it was a drunken anthem? Last I heard that honor was relegated to Sweet Caroline and Sweet Home Alabama," I replied innocently.

"Well I don't know what the hell it is that you're doin' tonight, but you owe me for this mister!" She turned and walked away, back towards the bar.

"Hey Hot Stuff," I hollered after her, loud enough to be heard over the crowd, " can you bring my friends another round?"

I re-racked the balls as the song finished and called for the next player. This guy was short and thin with stringy, greasy hair. I named him Greasy. I was getting my own collection of dwarfs going. "Your break man," I called to him.

"Prepare to get your ass beat Tree," he slurred.

I merely smiled at him and let him break.

I won the second game by a little better margin than the first. Greasy was so drunk that I wouldn't have been surprised if he would have passed out on the table. Again the bar was treated to another horrible rendition of Bad Things.

My third challenger was a chubby guy who smelled and sounded like he smoked two packs a day. I named him Smokey of course. Given his many exits from the bar for smoke breaks, he was surprisingly sober.

"So Tree, you ready to be out $500 bucks tonight?"

"How's that?" I asked.

"Well you ain't having much luck with Crazy Sookie."

I grimaced slightly at his name for Sookie. "True 'nough, but dude, I haven't seen any vampires come in here to kick my ass either," I reminded him.

"The night's still young."

"Indeed." I took another sip of my blood.

Since I couldn't handle a third consecutive rendition of Bad Things, I threw the game, letting Smokey win by scratching the 8-ball.

"Whatcha gonna sing Lover Boy? You gonna serenade Crazy Sookie?" Greasy asked with a slur. It was harder than I imagined not to rip these guys apart for making disparaging comments about my bonded. But a serenade wasn't a bad idea.

"Hey Hot Stuff! What'dya wanna hear?" I yelled across the bar.

"The slam of the door as you leave," she yelled back.

"She's a feisty one," I said to my lone female challenger. She wore a tight black dress and had her hair teased up like it was 1984. I named her Slutty.

"You should forget about her. I promise I'm way more interesting," Slutty responded.

"That may be," I lied, "but there's money on the line here."

"Tree, it's time to sing! You can't wuss out on a bet now! Should we start up Bad Things for you?" Smokey called.

"I think I'll pick something myself," I replied as I approached the machine. I flipped through the book as quickly as I could without appearing otherworldly, and finally found the song I wanted to sing. The music started and the bar cheered.

"_I've been really tryin' baby, tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long, and if you feel, like I feel baby, then c'mon, oh, c'mon, Let's get it on…" _

My eyes searched the bar for Sookie, who was standing by the bar next to Sam. Her face was bright red, I wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or laughter, and a huge smile lit her face. She looked beautiful.

The place applauded when the song was over, and one of the regulars called out to Sookie, "Come on girl! Give Tree a chance!"

"I'm takin' a break Sam," she said, then she made her way over to my table. "All right Stud, what's it gonna take for you leave me alone tonight?"

"A kiss," I suggested.

"I have a boyfriend."

"Come on, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. You guys won't tell right?" I asked the crowd around us.

"Your secret's safe with us Tree!"

"Why would I wanna kiss you anyhow?"

"I've been told I kiss like a house fire." She blushed at my comment knowing her own words were coming back to haunt her.

"Sweetie, Eric's had hundreds of years of practice, I seriously doubt you could compete."

"A bet then."

"You really should seek help for your compulsive gamblin'," she suggested.

"You chicken?"

"What are the stakes?" she asked.

"I win, I get a kiss."

"What do I get when I win?"

"You can have whatever you want Hot Stuff."

"I win, you leave."

"Deal." It's a good thing Eric Northman never loses other than on purpose. "What's the bet?"

"Darts. Best two out of three," she suggested. I tried not to smile. She knew how good I was at darts.

"You're on Hot Stuff."

"Right this way then." She smiled a mischievous smile that made me rethink my confident stance, and led me towards a dartboard.

* * *

**AN: As usual in the land of fanfic, I own nothing but my mistakes. The song the drunks sing is of course Jace Everett's Bad Things, and Eric is singing Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. **

**As to pool terminology: I'm not sure if I've got the right term, but Slop (as I mean it) is when you get balls in on accident, either other than the one you were aiming for, or in another pocket. (if I'm using the wrong term, please let me know!)**

**Let me know if you love it, or if you hate, or something in between, and if you want find out how the rest of Eric's night off goes… I was going to do it as a one shot, but it got too long for my comfort level. **

**Thanks for reading – I look forward to your thoughts**

**S**


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